Don’t Ruin Sex Before It Starts – Part 1
Sex is such an amazing thing yet so many people can mess it up. Many of us ruin sex before it starts, when you’re in the middle of it, or afterward. One of the most common forms of conflict in marriage counseling is about sex As a marriage counseling expert I quite often encounter ways couples ruin sex before it starts. This is Part 1 of 3 on common ways we ruin sex before it starts as well as some antidotes to help that from not happening.
Only touching your spouse or partner when you want sex
We all know the special spots on our partner that will almost instantly turn them on and we like to touch them to our advantage. Sometimes this works. Other times it does not work at all. Physical touch is good. In fact, for some it is one of their love languages. There are two basic types of touch between people, sexual and non-sexual. Sometimes the non-sexual touch is just as important as the sexual touch. It lets our partner feel safe, secure, and appreciated. It also can lead to a different and more enjoyable sexual experiences. It’s often best to play it safe rather than sorry so go ahead and touch them in different ways when you’re not looking for sex too.
Criticize their sexual performance
There’s no faster way to kill the mood than to mention how everything is going wrong when about to have sex. We’re talking instant problems and a show stopper in most cases. This rule also applies for when you make disparaging remarks about your last sexual encounter. Look, if sex wasn’t so good the last time talk about it in a way that can be helpful. Be open with one another. Talk through your expectations. In a kind way offer suggestions about how to try things differently. If the problems with sex are medically related more than likely it’s not the other person’s fault and definitely don’t criticize them for that. Seek out medical resources or staff for medically related sexual problems you may be experiencing.
Ignoring their advances
Getting rejected sucks. But so does rejecting the other person. Rejecting their advances can make them feel like what they’re doing doesn’t count. Maybe they finally have the courage to let you know that they want you in that special way and when you reject them they give up, never trying again. Rejection of any kind can damage the other person’s self-esteem to one degree or another too. Initiating sex is risky business. Most people enjoy sex so why not accept their advances as long as it’s healthy, wanted, and appropriate. Let them know they’re appreciated this way.
Asking to try a position again that has caused pain.
Sex can be fun. We all like to think we can do every position in the Kama Sutra. But lets be real. Sometimes for one reason or another sex can be painful. Sometimes our creativity or our anatomy can cause pain during sex for one person or both. If anything causes discomfort it’s probably a good idea to stop. Just because sex is ‘fun’ for you, doesn’t mean it works for the other person. Just because you saw a position and have to try it doesn’t mean you have what it takes to make that happen. Enjoy experimenting safely but if it hurts, don’t ask for it that way again. Read here for insight on some boo boos in the bedroom
You don’t have to be naked every time
Most folks enjoy being naked during sex. The skin on skin feeling is part of the multi-sensory event that sex can be. Some folks are proud of their bodies and want to show it off during sex. Others want a visual stimulant as part of the experience. Other folks not so much. Maybe they have some body shaming issues they’re dealing with or maybe they don’t like how they look because of a scar, after having kids, or for some other reason. Sex doesn’t always require getting naked. Be naked when you want to sometimes and other times make it interesting maybe…see how much clothing you can keep on too.
Being hypercritical of each other.
When you choose to make criticizing comments or show criticizing looks you’re not doing you or your relationship any favors especially when you’re about to have sex. This applies for during or after sex too. There’s a good chance if you find yourself finding faults in your partner and not recognizing their strengths your relationship is probably in a bad spot anyway. I don’t know too many people who say sex with an enemy is better than sex with an ally. When you’re critical about sex you can really hurt the other person and your sex life. If you find yourself being critical of sex or any other part of your marriage get some help and talk about it with a counselor.
If you or your partner are having difficulty in your sex life don’t wait, contact us today. Contact a Grandville marriage counseling expert at Great Lakes Wellness Counseling for your marriage counseling needs in order to have the marriage you’ve always wanted. Our office is conveniently located 10 minutes west of downtown Grand Rapids, MI.