As the holiday season approaches, many of us can’t help but feel a sense of dread come over us.
The thought of spending time with our loved ones, especially if they’re a bit… complicated, can be overwhelming. The team at Great Lakes Wellness Counseling would like to offer some practical help with the stress you may encounter at those family gatherings we either enjoy or want to escape.
Meet John and Jane Smith, a loving couple who are all too familiar with the challenges of dealing with a dysfunctional family.
Jane’s family, in particular, is a source of stress for the couple. Her parents are divorced, and her mother has a tendency to be overly critical, while her father is prone to angry outbursts. Her siblings are equally stubborn arguing about everything and nothing at the same time. This makes family get-togethers a minefield.
John’s family, on the other hand, is a bit more laid-back, but his mother has a habit of meddling in their personal lives, which can be frustrating.
In this blog, we’ll explore how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can help John, Jane and even you navigate the choppy waters of family drama during the holidays. We’ll address common concerns, such as how to cope with family drama, how to avoid family drama, how to disengage from family drama, and deal with argumentative family members.
Understanding Family Dynamics
Before we dive into CBT techniques, it’s essential to understand the dynamics at play in Jane’s family. Her mother’s critical nature and her father’s angry outbursts have created a culture of tension and defensiveness. This has led to a pattern of interaction where family members feel the need to be constantly on guard, ready to defend themselves, attack others, or have this need to be right all the time.
CBT can help us identify and challenge these negative thought patterns and behaviors. By recognizing the distortions in our thinking and the impact they have on our emotions and actions, we can begin to make changes.
Coping with Family Drama
One of the most critical CBT techniques for coping with family drama is cognitive restructuring (aka changing how you think and view things). This involves identifying and challenging negative thoughts or behaviors, and replacing them with more balanced and constructive ones. For example, when Jane’s mother criticizes her cooking, Jane might think, “I’m a terrible cook, and I’ll never be good enough.” However, using cognitive restructuring, she can reframe this thought as, “My mother has high standards, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad cook. I’ve worked hard to prepare this meal, and I’m proud of myself.” Or when her mom might make a snide remark about how she would have made something different, Jane would tell her “well thanks for the feedback, you’re welcome to eat it or not” instead of saying nothing or apologizing for making it “incorrectly.”
Another helpful technique is emotional regulation. This just means learning how to manage our emotions, rather than letting them control us. When we feel ourselves becoming overwhelmed or angry, we can take a step back, breathe, and remind ourselves that our emotions are ours, they are valid and true to us, but they are what they are. They are neither good nor bad. They’re just a response to information we’ve been given by others. They’re not in charge of you. You are.
Avoiding Family Drama
While it’s impossible to avoid family drama entirely, there are steps we can take to be around it as little as we can. One approach is to set clear boundaries. John and Jane can decide ahead of time what they’re willing to talk with other family members about or not. They can decide what time they want to leave rather than others trying to choose for them. Communicating boundaries the first go-round can be bought but in the end, you may get some pushback. But, eventually, they will realize they can’t control you and likely (not always) stop the irritating behaviors. This will eventually prevent John and Jane from experiencing unnecessary conflict and reduce their stress.
Another strategy is to prioritize self-care. By taking care of our physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being, we’re better equipped to handle the challenges of family drama. This might involve setting aside time for relaxation, exercise, hobbies, prayer and meditation, as well as making sure we get enough sleep and eat a balanced diet.
Disengaging from Family Drama
When we find ourselves in the midst of family drama, it can be challenging to disengage. However, CBT teaches us that we have the power to choose how we respond to situations. You control how you respond to the information others are giving you, even if it’s hurtful which can be really tough to do. One technique is to practice assertive communication. This involves expressing our needs and feelings clearly and respectfully, without being aggressive or passive.
For example, if Jane’s father starts yelling at her, she can respond by saying, “Dad, I understand that you’re upset, but I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that tone. Can we find a way to discuss this calmly?” If he still continues to yell, she can calmly say, “Dad, I’m not going to be talked to this way. If you continue, John and I will have to leave. We won’t be treated this way.” This may help to de-escalate the situation and establish a more constructive dialogue. Yet again it may not. This is where training family on your boundaries can be difficult but in the end it’s your family’s choice to respect your boundaries whether they agree with them or not. To be fair though, you ought to be very clear with your boundaries and say them out loud to your family, not just make some kind of vague statement about how they’re not respecting your boundaries.
Dealing with Argumentative Family Members
When faced with family members who like to argue, keep your cool and avoid getting sucked into the conflict. One CBT technique is to use “gray rock” communication. This involves remaining neutral and unemotional, like a gray rock, rather than taking the bait and engaging in an argument. Remember all they are doing is giving you information. They might be handing you a flame. It’s up to you if you choose to blow it out or add fuel to the fire.
For instance, if John’s mother starts lecturing him about his job, he can respond by saying, “Thank you for your concern, Mom. I appreciate your input, but I’ve got this under control.” This acknowledges her comments without engaging in a debate.
Surviving a Visit from Difficult Relatives
When we’re faced with a visit from difficult relatives, it’s crucial to prioritize our own well-being. One strategy is to set clear expectations and boundaries. Jane and John can discuss ahead of time what they are and aren’t comfortable with, and communicate these boundaries to their relatives.
Another approach is to focus on shared activities and interests. By engaging in activities that everyone enjoys, we can shift the focus away from conflict and towards more positive interactions.
Resolving Conflict during the Holidays
When conflicts arise during the holidays, there are three essential elements required to resolve them: empathy, assertiveness, and problem-solving. Empathy involves understanding and acknowledging the other person’s perspective, even if we don’t agree with it. Assertiveness involves expressing our own needs and feelings clearly and respectfully without blaming or having a case of the even-Stevens (You did this to me so I’m going to do this to you). Problem-solving involves working together to find a solution that meets everyone’s needs.
By using these elements, we can create a constructive dialogue that leads to resolution and understanding.
Conclusion
Navigating family drama during the holidays is never easy, but with CBT techniques, we can develop the skills and strategies needed to cope, avoid, and disengage from conflict. By prioritizing our own well-being, setting clear boundaries, and practicing effective communication, we can create a more positive and constructive dynamic within our families.
As John and Jane have learned, CBT is not a magic wand that makes all our problems disappear. However, it is a powerful tool that can help us understand ourselves and our families better, and develop more effective ways of interacting.
Start Working with A CBT Therapist in Grand Rapids, MI
By applying these techniques, we can transform the holiday season from a source of stress and anxiety to a time of connection, love, and joy. So, take a deep breath, grab your glass of cup Christmas cheer, and remember that with CBT, you’ve got this! Start your therapy journey with our team of caring therapists at Great Lakes Wellness Counseling by following these simple steps:
- Contact us or call (616) 202-1910.
- Get to know a caring therapist.
- Start making the most of the holiday season!
Other Services Offered with Great Lakes Wellness Counseling
CBT therapy isn’t the only service that is offered with Great Lakes Wellness Counseling. Our team of caring therapists is happy to also offer support with a variety of mental health services including Christian Counseling, Therapy for Men, Depression Treatment, Anxiety Treatment, and Therapy For Women. We are also happy to offer support for parents, adults, couples, and teens. These services can be accessed both in person in Jenison and online throughout Michigan. Feel free to visit our blog for more helpful content!
